Rant

There will be no organization
Or promise that this will be good
Just like life, this is going to be an unpredictable ride.

I'm in a rage.

I'm about to blow.

My stress levels are through the roof.

I can't take this anymore.

This is bullshit.

I am a 17 year old daughter; who doesn't smoke, drink, or party. I'm a senior in high school who is challenging herself with taking a full seven course schedule to raise my GPA to be able to get into a college of recognition. I'm taking a college literature course & competing in two art competitions. I play three sports, cheer, soccer & track. I cheered only to please my mom, to make her happy & proud. I've worked my heart out for four year for a starting position on the varsity soccer team & I've finally gotten it. I help out around the house. I take care of myself; I do my own laundry, cook my own food, make my own schedules, take care of my college studies & I barely ask for anything. With the occasional "mom I forgot something, could you bring it to me please- I'm only right down the road" or "Hey mom, can you cook dinner tonight?" or "Mom, could you please do my laundry, I don't have time between Christians on Campus & soccer practice." I'm pretty independent. 

& all I ask for is to be able to attend church on Sunday evenings.

Yes, a school night- Shocker.

I stay up until 1 regardless of what I do. 

So why is it that my parents are all of a sudden huge assholes. It makes me wonder; I might as well sneak out, I might as well do drugs, I might as well live up my youth & slut around like majority of my senior class is doing anyway, they're not morally incorrect- it'll just be something different. I'll have the same privileges as I do now anyway...-

But no, I don't & I never will.

I live this life to walk in the path that God has given me, to follow His guidance. I shall place all my faith & trust in The Lord & with that will only come the best. With everything that I've worked towards to help build who I am, I will not let them define me because without God I am nothing. Everyday I face the struggle to do what I want to do, to put my trust in my own abilities & do what I feel is right. But I try not to, because feelings are exactly that- they're humanly urges that everyone struggles with on the daily but only few think before they act. I'm still only beginning my life long walk with God & I'm not the best person in the world- in fact, I'm no where close but I'm trying my best & that's all that matters. 

....incomplete (to be continued)

Just Breath & Exhale

Really.

When life decides to challenge you just remember it is given to you because God knows you can handle it, you are prepared. 

Lately,

I've felt as if I've been starting copious amounts of; tasks, projects, ideas, & leaving each one incomplete. Honestly, I'm not even sure why. I've been trying to conjure up every reason I continue to discontinue. Eventually I just ended up with a plethora of teenage reasons verifying why I can be excused from completing life.

So-

I narrowed them all down until the abundance of reasons became a mere; 3.

1. I'm scared of failing- but aren't we all? 
2. I fail to push myself beyond my mental limits, I stop before complexity & therefor am left with just an idea that will always be undeveloped.
3. I'm lazy, straight up, seniorits.

Depressing to think that so many people are afraid of the same thing, but yet only so few are willing to take that chance of possible rejection. Why?

Why are we all so afraid of failing? Who will we disappoint? Our families? Friends? Dog?

Personally, I think we're just afraid to disappoint ourselves. WE, as humans are our harshest critics. With the ability to see every minute detail that contributes to the climatic build we become so critical of each step we take & our capabilities. WE tend to pin ourselves down for each & every single one of our minuscule slips instead of  encouraging our triumphs, no more how big or small. I know that I personally set unrealistic goals for myself & I wind up devastated with anything short of perfection.

I chase something I will NEVER obtain.

I chase perfection.

I feel that whenever I begin to grow with imagination & I fill with inspiration; I stop myself from completing my thoughts, from thoroughly executing a game plan, from building it into completion. It's beyond aggravating & yet I continue to do it.

I invision greatness & cut myself short because I doubt my capabilities. 

I sell myself short.

Honestly,

have you ever given up an opportunity because you "know" you aren't capable.

What makes you incapable of doing it? Is it physical? OR is it mental?

Mostly everything in life is a mind game. A mind test. You're going to have to challenge yourself & demolish each mental block to be allow growth within yourself. 

One day I hope to grow; vivacious, effervescent, wise, clever, strong, content, passionate, grateful, creative, inspirational & happy.

I want to be happy

with everything

with life.

I partake in three sports; cheer, soccer & track.

I'm a part of the green club, the art club, minoring on the prom committee & Christians on campus.

I have a full seven period school schedule- including one AP class.

I exercise in my spare time & focus on clean eating.

I do yoga.

I have physical therapy.

I'm applying for colleges.

I love to stay out as much as possible, I love my weekends.

To say the least I am a pretty occupied teenager

but at the same time I'm one of the laziest people I know.

I'm working on self motivation because there's always room for improvement. It doesn't mean I'm  insufficient, it just means that I know there will always be someone out there who will challenge me.

I'm ready to take on that challenge.

So life, I challenge you to take me on an adventure. An adventure of a lifetime.

Until next time, 

Bye.

It's Gonna Be A While

November 3rd 2013

   God has such a mysterious way of working & teaching us lessons in life, but sometimes even though they can be frightening, difficult & challenging; he will never give us something we can't handle.

Two months ago some friends of mine (Joey, Rachel & Irina) convinced me to go to church. I was baptized Catholic but I was never strong in my faith. Around the age of fifteen I pretty much fell completely away from The Lord & could have easily been 'classified' as an atheist. So it was a given that I walked into service that night skeptical of what was to come. But when Joey invited me & my friends into his place of worship my mind opened. 

A lot has changed since  my first service, I no longer stand there awkwardly while everyone else worships but I join in praising The Lord, I lift my hands up to Him & I belt my little heart out even though I'm terribly tone deaf, I eagerly listen to each lesson each Sunday & I feel His presence within each of my days- not just in service. We've all cried, we've all learned, we've all grown in our relationship with God. Especially Irina, Malia & myself.

It's beyond amazing what he is capable of if you just put your trust in Him & keep your faith strong.

Yesterday morning around 4:30am I fell asleep at the wheel while driving home from town. I drifted off the road but because He was watching over the both of us I woke up just in time to swerve to avoid a telephone pole & only hit an electrical wire. My car was messed up but most importantly Rachel wasn't. We both walked away from that situation completely untouched because of HIM. Because of The Lord, we both were blessed to see another day.

Now I'm grounded for two weeks, which is bull crap, I have a curfew of 11, which is also bull crap & my mother feels the need to guilt trip me so hard into believing that I should have died that morning, which is mega bull crap. 

So now I have all this extra time I'm considering learning new things. Like new yoga poses, maybe engross myself with a television series, get some homework done, clean my room (hahaha) I'm not sure, I'm just trying to make the best of this situation.

To conclude my first post of a very long two weeks of lock down, I want to say thank you, Joey. I know you give all credit to The Lord, which is true, but because I met you I'm finally back on the right track. Thank you, even though you'll never see this haha.

Until next time, 

-Bye.

You're My...

Serendipity.

Thursday. October. 10th. 2013.

I don't even know where to start.

Where did we start? 

When did we start?

What did we start?

You're crazy, loud, hilarious, sweet, silly, fun, thoughtful, spontaneous & so much more!

& it all started with, "Hi, I'm Joey."

With three simple words I was swooned. 

Have you ever met someone &  everything went 'click', well- here's my 'click' 

            To start things off right, we're working on being friends. Just putting it out there so there won't be any confusion.  But let's answer the three W 's, well in this case the four W 's.

     

Who, When, Where, & What?

1) Who?     

     Well for starters, everyone meet Joseph or as everyone else knows him, Joey. He's 20, from town, & he takes amazing photographs. Oh & did I mention that he's blessed with an amazing voice. You can find him on Instagram: @joeysamante 

2)When?

      We officially met on August 31, 2013. But really we knew each other through mutual friends & Instagram. Slightly sad knowing we met through social media but hey, sometimes things happen that you're not in control of. We've been following each other since I was a sophomore in highschool & im graduating this year so even though we've only met this year- we kind of know each other's lives as of the last two years, haha.

3)Where?

      We met in heaven. Well technically we met in a parking lot next to an apartment building somewhere in town at 2:30 in the morning. But we made our way to heaven, the Haiku stairs in Kaneohe that is. It's this massive, illegal, possibly fatal hike along the mountain ridge neighbored to the Pali Hwy. You climb 3,922 steal plate stairs to the top of summit of a mountain- but long story short, we met adventuring.

4)What?

      That's the golden question, what did we start? To me, we started our journey- an adventure. This chaotic, insane, crazy: adventurous journey. An adventure that will be so worth it in the end. I can't begin to tell our crazy story but to summarize it; you opened my eyes, you guided me, you turned on the light. You make me happy & that's all that matter. I hope I can do the same for you, but let's continue our adventure as friends & we'll wait for our time to start a new one.

To say the least, we've gone on some pretty spontaneous adventures, let's recap:

The first adventure we ever had together, we went to Heaven. 

We were accompanied by mutual company of Rachel, Zech, Malia, Irina & that one guy I can never remember the name of. We didn't make our way to the top but we all watched the sunrise. You say I made you nervous with my lack of fear of heights, but you made me nervous with how content you were with life, with your new perspective- you made me nervous. After we made our way back down & had breakfast at Denny's, we had some really nice forceful bonding time while you drove my car back to that parking lot & everyone else fell asleep in the back seats. This was the way we met & there's nothing I would change about it.

Or that on time you saved me from town. I can't thank you enough for that day, you went out of your way for me & you made my holiday spectacular. It was fun sitting in traffic with you that day- this was the day I met all of your friends, well most of them anyway (you have a bunch of friends haha) I like your car & your little scratched pot leaf that came with it. We swam out to sea & you taught me about having a relationship with God, I saw your passion & it grabbed my soul.

What about the time we met "halfway" for the first time & our journey truly began, it wasn't the end but the beginning. Shortly after we learned that we suck at being apart haha. You sang to me the first time that night & I was awed. Thanks for singing to me even though I have to beg you sometimes heehee. This was actually from the second time we met up but this will have to do.

Then there was this one time where I forced you all the way down to Kahuku to watch my senior cheer fest, I don't have a picture of us from that day but I remember just wanting to see you. It made me happy that you just like cruising & you came to a school function even though you hate school.

This morning was one for the books. 

We adventured up to tantalus & at two in the morning we decided to head back north. We watched the sunrise together for the first time & we were exhausted, but it was okay because we were together. You also "forgot" your ukulele, but eventually sang no songs to me because you're too humble. Thank you for always accepting me as the potato that I am because I always look pretty crappy when I see you, sorry!

Somewhere in between you brought me church for the first time in a long time & I had a blast.

It was so different from my church & I got to see a whole new side of you. This picture is actually from our most recent church trip but I don't have a picture from our first church experience together because it was the first time I saw you since sunrise. Now I look forward to Sunday evenings because I get to learn.

A few adventures later we, one day we decided to ditch all of our responsibilities & play hooky.

I ditched school & you ditched work & we ate food & drove around, found a beach & fell asleep, because we both needed it.

This was the day that you picked me up with Zac & the Beans.

We adventured to the east & took swing pictures & we all learned that I'm a terrible model. We went to McDonalds to steal wifi & I climbed a lot of trees, cause I'm a little bit of a monkey. Then we went back all the way into town because you weren't feeling well & we drove up to your house & then back north to celebrate Pomai's birthday. By the end of the night I just remember not wanting to get out of the car...

Ope, then two days ago we all went bowling & then went to Zippy's, cause that's the only place we ever eat hahaha, just kidding. You lied & were totally awesome at bowling & Ikaia got me two strikes which was pretty rad cause that meant I didn't lose. But we jammed & we sang & we said goodnight 6 times before we were both too tired to hold on. We probably broke about 5 wax cups & recorded Zac & Ikaia cooking spaghetti about 10 times. I think my favorite part was hearing you sing your originals because they're my new favorites. 

& then for all the times I don't have pictures...

     How about that one time we met at mililani again, or the other time when we watched a movie together that was terrible but it was okay because I was with you & you sang me songs after. I feel like there were more times when we were together & there probably are but really, 

This is just the beginning.

Until next time, 

Bye.

By the way, I write so openly on here because no one actually reads my blog, this is just where I go to talk stories with myself. So don't tell anyone. 

      

It's Not the...

End.

             After spending over a year & a half with someone how do you begin to consume the thought of changing your ways? 

             I've never been the one to get caught up on someone after a relationship ends. We break up, we stay friends & everything is okay. But what happens when someone walks into your life & completely turns my life into a hurricane? What do I do when someone changes my life without even meaning to?

I am single. After 3 years of being in two relationships, my life is starting fresh as I find myself.

Well, it's actually a lot more complex than just that. Peter & I are no longer lovers, but friends that love each other, does that make sense? Is it even possible? -I think it is. It is very possible to love someone as something differently other than a lover, the reason you date someone is because of how amazing they are & how much you want them in your life. I want to keep him in my life because he is awesome, an awesome friend.

             And that's why we decided that it was best to start again, as friends. We could both feel it, it wasn't the same. Our love was changing, just like the seasons. Being friends has always come naturally to Peter & I, but being lovers was something that we constantly had to work on, we had to keep building & it was an effort, just like a relationship should be. But it wasn't natural. I met Peter when we were 14 & we only started to date when he was closer to 16. We broke it off when we were both about 17, that's a long time to be with someone at such young ages, we've seen each other grow, he was the reason for my growth & I was the reason for his & maybe that's why I was clinging on, because I loved what we did for each other. When we fist met it wasn't anything spectacular, no wedding bells, or floating hearts or even a hello. He avoided me because I was "too big of a personality to handle" it took us a year to finally start being friends. I was his first best friend, the first person he could tell anything to knowing that I wouldn't judge him, I still am. 

           In finding structure to this chaotic post, my point is: It's not the end but in fact, a fresh start. Most people feel that when you end a relationship with someone that's that, it's done. But to me, it's an opportunity for the new. I've met new people, I've tried new things, my life is starting new- it's a new season. 

Finally, here's a picture of the both of us together. 

This is us as friends.

This is the way it's supposed to be.

This is Peter, everyone.

This is us.

Until next time, 

-Bye.

The Act of Discovering...

Myself

Friday. July. 26. 2013.

        I've learned three things so far this summer:

1. Never forget sunscreen is your best friend, year round.

2. Never let someone rain on your parade, you run that bitch & you run it hard.

3. Never apologize for an extended absence. 

               I won't ask for an excuse of my absence but I've just been having a spectacular time. I think I've grown more this summer than any other. Recently I just got back home to Hawaii after a three week trip up on the good ole' continental U.S. My first stop was the golden state, California, then to sin city, Las Vegas, Nevada, then to the state first in flight with some premium red necks, North Carolina. But i'll leave the recap for another day.

               Today the sun is shining bright & I'm having another day home alone. Which is perfect, I get me time. You see, I've had a lot of me time this past week. With having come home a week before my boyfriend did I had a lot of time to learn about myself & how tough I really am.                         I've discovered, I'm not as strong & independent as I've led myself on to be.

I didn't even spend every night solo but when I did it was beyond aggravating. With no one to occupy my thought process but myself I really had the opportunity to let my mind wonder into every square inch of my brain. I undcovered some nostalgia, recipes, creativity, but mostly some really deep hate for... myself

SHOCKER!

A teenager who finds every imperfection in herself & mentally destroys herself about each one, I'm so complex & totaaaaally deep. 

No.

That's kind of why I felt motivated to dedicate an entire post to a subject not taken in as a whole by most. I know whenever I read an article an article of an interview or lesson about self love & respect for yourself I don't really feel all that connected to the speaker. I found, for myself personally, that it's because they never go into the details about how bad it truly be. Because no one else can get inside you head quiet like you can. 

Anyway, I won't teach you a lesson on it because they're all kind of generic & I can put every single one into the exact same synopsis. All I can tell you is that it's okay to take pride in your personal accomplishments (no matter how big or small) that it's okay to wake up in the morning & feel gorgeous, skinny, successful, lazy, confident, happy, etc...That it's okay to accept yourself because if you don't, no one else will.

When you find acceptance, you'll start living. I promise.

You'll live a little bit more daring, adventurous, blissfully. 

You'll learn more about yourself & than you ever thought was possible.

You'll discover what it's really like to like what you like.

I learned that I like avocados.

A lot.

I learned that I like drinking cooled hot cocoa in hotel

 lobbies& listening to beautiful voices that play 

such amazing live music 

& play their pride 

like it's nobodies

 business.

I've learned that I still love graffiti & I miss it bunches.

Just find yourself or create yourself.

Find inspiration from the land, the cities, the people, the unknown.

Build yourself from the ground up.

"The greatest right we have is just being yourself."

Until next time, 

-Bye.

Find me elsewhere:

Instagram: @mikaelaharbowy

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Vine: mikaela harbowy

Finding Joy In...

Adventure.

June. 5. 2013

    Please excuse my absence as I have been enjoying every possible everything.

The feeling of overwhelming freedom has engulfed me ever since summer has begun- & it is absolutely stunning. 

I feel no diction will ever do these feelings justice.

The rush that overcomes my body when I wake up with the sun regardless of how late I fell asleep, the aroma of the crisp buttered toast & brewing coffee in the early morning, the chime of the waves as they crash along the shorelines at 1 in the morning when my friends & I dare to take a late night dip in the pacific.

It's  the most simple things in which I find thrill.

As of lately my days have been running into each other & overlapping- I can't remember which day I did what or what day of the week it is. I've become an expert at the late night drive, I've mastered the skill of compiling necessities into my van for the unexpected adventures.

Learning to live a little more. To do what I want & find as much joy as I can with every opportunity. Living a little more daring, on the edge. 

I love it.

I'm infatuated with learning about everyone. 

Hunting for new friends & adventures.

Summer Accomplishments (thus far):

• sneaking into the resort's hot tub
• open trunk beach nights
• thrifting
• early morning beach star gazing
• stay cations
• Bike rides
• mountain runs
• long walks
• luminescent algae 
• BBQ's
• waimea bay night jumping
• Bonfires
• beach days

There are so much more, but for now I'm about to take a walk to the market to get breakfast sushi with  Pete.

Until next time, 

Bye.

Find me elsewhere:

Instagram: @mikaelaharbowy

Tumblr: wishihadswag.tumblr.com

Facebook: Mikaela Harbowy