Rant

There will be no organization
Or promise that this will be good
Just like life, this is going to be an unpredictable ride.

I'm in a rage.

I'm about to blow.

My stress levels are through the roof.

I can't take this anymore.

This is bullshit.

I am a 17 year old daughter; who doesn't smoke, drink, or party. I'm a senior in high school who is challenging herself with taking a full seven course schedule to raise my GPA to be able to get into a college of recognition. I'm taking a college literature course & competing in two art competitions. I play three sports, cheer, soccer & track. I cheered only to please my mom, to make her happy & proud. I've worked my heart out for four year for a starting position on the varsity soccer team & I've finally gotten it. I help out around the house. I take care of myself; I do my own laundry, cook my own food, make my own schedules, take care of my college studies & I barely ask for anything. With the occasional "mom I forgot something, could you bring it to me please- I'm only right down the road" or "Hey mom, can you cook dinner tonight?" or "Mom, could you please do my laundry, I don't have time between Christians on Campus & soccer practice." I'm pretty independent. 

& all I ask for is to be able to attend church on Sunday evenings.

Yes, a school night- Shocker.

I stay up until 1 regardless of what I do. 

So why is it that my parents are all of a sudden huge assholes. It makes me wonder; I might as well sneak out, I might as well do drugs, I might as well live up my youth & slut around like majority of my senior class is doing anyway, they're not morally incorrect- it'll just be something different. I'll have the same privileges as I do now anyway...-

But no, I don't & I never will.

I live this life to walk in the path that God has given me, to follow His guidance. I shall place all my faith & trust in The Lord & with that will only come the best. With everything that I've worked towards to help build who I am, I will not let them define me because without God I am nothing. Everyday I face the struggle to do what I want to do, to put my trust in my own abilities & do what I feel is right. But I try not to, because feelings are exactly that- they're humanly urges that everyone struggles with on the daily but only few think before they act. I'm still only beginning my life long walk with God & I'm not the best person in the world- in fact, I'm no where close but I'm trying my best & that's all that matters. 

....incomplete (to be continued)

Just Breath & Exhale

Really.

When life decides to challenge you just remember it is given to you because God knows you can handle it, you are prepared. 

Lately,

I've felt as if I've been starting copious amounts of; tasks, projects, ideas, & leaving each one incomplete. Honestly, I'm not even sure why. I've been trying to conjure up every reason I continue to discontinue. Eventually I just ended up with a plethora of teenage reasons verifying why I can be excused from completing life.

So-

I narrowed them all down until the abundance of reasons became a mere; 3.

1. I'm scared of failing- but aren't we all? 
2. I fail to push myself beyond my mental limits, I stop before complexity & therefor am left with just an idea that will always be undeveloped.
3. I'm lazy, straight up, seniorits.

Depressing to think that so many people are afraid of the same thing, but yet only so few are willing to take that chance of possible rejection. Why?

Why are we all so afraid of failing? Who will we disappoint? Our families? Friends? Dog?

Personally, I think we're just afraid to disappoint ourselves. WE, as humans are our harshest critics. With the ability to see every minute detail that contributes to the climatic build we become so critical of each step we take & our capabilities. WE tend to pin ourselves down for each & every single one of our minuscule slips instead of  encouraging our triumphs, no more how big or small. I know that I personally set unrealistic goals for myself & I wind up devastated with anything short of perfection.

I chase something I will NEVER obtain.

I chase perfection.

I feel that whenever I begin to grow with imagination & I fill with inspiration; I stop myself from completing my thoughts, from thoroughly executing a game plan, from building it into completion. It's beyond aggravating & yet I continue to do it.

I invision greatness & cut myself short because I doubt my capabilities. 

I sell myself short.

Honestly,

have you ever given up an opportunity because you "know" you aren't capable.

What makes you incapable of doing it? Is it physical? OR is it mental?

Mostly everything in life is a mind game. A mind test. You're going to have to challenge yourself & demolish each mental block to be allow growth within yourself. 

One day I hope to grow; vivacious, effervescent, wise, clever, strong, content, passionate, grateful, creative, inspirational & happy.

I want to be happy

with everything

with life.

I partake in three sports; cheer, soccer & track.

I'm a part of the green club, the art club, minoring on the prom committee & Christians on campus.

I have a full seven period school schedule- including one AP class.

I exercise in my spare time & focus on clean eating.

I do yoga.

I have physical therapy.

I'm applying for colleges.

I love to stay out as much as possible, I love my weekends.

To say the least I am a pretty occupied teenager

but at the same time I'm one of the laziest people I know.

I'm working on self motivation because there's always room for improvement. It doesn't mean I'm  insufficient, it just means that I know there will always be someone out there who will challenge me.

I'm ready to take on that challenge.

So life, I challenge you to take me on an adventure. An adventure of a lifetime.

Until next time, 

Bye.

It's Gonna Be A While

November 3rd 2013

   God has such a mysterious way of working & teaching us lessons in life, but sometimes even though they can be frightening, difficult & challenging; he will never give us something we can't handle.

Two months ago some friends of mine (Joey, Rachel & Irina) convinced me to go to church. I was baptized Catholic but I was never strong in my faith. Around the age of fifteen I pretty much fell completely away from The Lord & could have easily been 'classified' as an atheist. So it was a given that I walked into service that night skeptical of what was to come. But when Joey invited me & my friends into his place of worship my mind opened. 

A lot has changed since  my first service, I no longer stand there awkwardly while everyone else worships but I join in praising The Lord, I lift my hands up to Him & I belt my little heart out even though I'm terribly tone deaf, I eagerly listen to each lesson each Sunday & I feel His presence within each of my days- not just in service. We've all cried, we've all learned, we've all grown in our relationship with God. Especially Irina, Malia & myself.

It's beyond amazing what he is capable of if you just put your trust in Him & keep your faith strong.

Yesterday morning around 4:30am I fell asleep at the wheel while driving home from town. I drifted off the road but because He was watching over the both of us I woke up just in time to swerve to avoid a telephone pole & only hit an electrical wire. My car was messed up but most importantly Rachel wasn't. We both walked away from that situation completely untouched because of HIM. Because of The Lord, we both were blessed to see another day.

Now I'm grounded for two weeks, which is bull crap, I have a curfew of 11, which is also bull crap & my mother feels the need to guilt trip me so hard into believing that I should have died that morning, which is mega bull crap. 

So now I have all this extra time I'm considering learning new things. Like new yoga poses, maybe engross myself with a television series, get some homework done, clean my room (hahaha) I'm not sure, I'm just trying to make the best of this situation.

To conclude my first post of a very long two weeks of lock down, I want to say thank you, Joey. I know you give all credit to The Lord, which is true, but because I met you I'm finally back on the right track. Thank you, even though you'll never see this haha.

Until next time, 

-Bye.